Love's paradox
by Claude Amelia Song
Summary: After one night of passion, both Severus and Hermione are miserable because of it. Severus thinks she is disgusted and takes to avoid her at any costs. Hermione feels like he just used her. But when one night they meet again what will happen?


_"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love;"_ _(Daphne Rae)_ _Love can make you suffer, but the same love can give you wings._

 **A/N: This is written for the Music History classroom. Option one: Listen to one of the pieces linked above and write a song that is inspired somehow by that song. Ideas: listen to the song as you write, write a story that reflects the tone of the piece/ how it makes you feel, write a piece that occurs during the musical time periods. The song I chose is Hanabera from Carmen by Bizet.**

 **This is also for the Back to School Teamwork event. The prompts:** _ **15.(emotion) Miserable**_ **and** _ **52.(dialogue) " We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since."**_

 ** _This story had been betaed by Alice. Thank you Alice !_**

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Hermione was walking aimlessly through the corridors. It was late at night, so the risk of running into one of her professors was small; no chances of being punished. She was the Head Girl ,so, she had the right to patrol all night if she so wanted.

She was miserable and had been for the last few days. Everybody had asked her what had happened, but she couldn't tell them, even if she would, they wouldn't understand her. How could they understand how awful she felt? Every time she looked at him and he looked away, or hearing the sound of his voice…

She wanted to hate him, to be angry and shout at him for what he had done to her, but she couldn't. She loved him too much, and that's why she was stuck feeling like this; like her whole world would crumble with just a little touch, _his_ touch…

She was sure that she would not be able to refuse him if he wanted her again, even if she would regret it later. She loved him unconditionally and if that was what he needed of her, she would gladly give. Love was not something you could enforce on someone, she couldn't force him to feel the same. If he could just show an emotion, any emotion, she won't feel as hopeless as she did at that moment. His blatant ignorance towards her was crushing her.

It was ridiculous, to not be able to confront him about this. She was Hermione Granger, one third of the Golden Trio. She had fought trolls, dementors, even Voldemort himself, for goodness sake! But confronting him? That was one thing that she just couldn't do. Ever since she had woken up alone, in her bed in the Head Girl Room she had been a mass of emotion. Him not looking and speaking to her only made the turmoil inside her worsen. She was feeling sick at the thought that she had been used like this and she should have said something to someone, but it wasn't really his fault. She could have said no. She could have fought him, she was sure he wouldn't have forced her, but she had wanted it, perhaps more than she wanted to admit. Still it hurt that the man she had given her first kiss, her _virginity_ was so cold towards her, pretending that she didn't even exist.

But it was on her own free will. She loved him and wouldn't change a thing for the world. Even if now she was miserable because of it. Her friends would be horrified to find out what she had done, but she didn't care about what they would think. It didn't matter because for that night, she had been special…

Looking up, Hermione saw the stars; it seemed that she had arrived at the Astronomy Tower. She felt a tear leak on her face. She inhaled deeply looking at the Hogwarts lands. It seemed that everything that happened had caught up with her. She hadn't allowed herself to cry until now. It was enough that she felt so awful, she didn't want to look awful too, because she knew that if she cried, she wouldn't stop anytime soon.

" Wandering, Miss Granger? I expected better from you"

Hearing his voice made Hermione shudder. With a quick motion she wiped her tears and turned around. She answered with what she hoped was a normal tone, not wanting to show how bad she felt to her professor.

" I am not wandering. I am the Head Girl and I am allowed to patrol all night if the Head Boy chooses not too. And Anthony had to finish his assignment for Potions, so I told him that I would patrol for him too."

"Oh, the good Golden Girl of Gryffindor helps the poor Head Boy who couldn't do his job! How nice of you!" he said with a sneer.

"Right." Hermione could feel more tears coming up and she didn't want to cry in front of him, so, trying to hold herself strong she said:

"If you have nothing else to say, professor, I'll continue my walk." And with that she turned around to leave the tower. If she stayed, she would do or say something that she would regret later.

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He scoffed remembering Minerva's question at dinner, he most certainly was not feeling well. For the first time in his life, he was at loss, he didn't know what to do.

He felt so awful, knowing what he had done. He had betrayed the trust put in him, broken the boundaries between student and teacher. He wished he could go back to change it, but he wasn't sure if he would just not do it again if given the chance.

He hadn't felt like this in years. And he had been sure that he would never feel again like this, but he was proven wrong... _She_ had proven him wrong.

Being near her had awakened feelings inside him that had been long forgotten. She was driving him insane; her smell, her smile, her laugh. He had wanted her so badly at that moment. He had yearned to touch her just once again...…

He had been on patrol to make sure that no students had wandered of after the Halloween party. Patrolling was just a convenient excuse, he wanted to try to clear his head of the fantasies he had had of her. The outfit she had wore for the party….. That type of clothing should be forbidden.

And then he had stumbled upon her, the object of his thoughts. She was alone, walking to the Head Girl's room. Her hair was loose around her shoulders; she was more beautiful than ever.

Although he would never forget that night, he couldn't actually remember how things had really happened. Or, better said, he didn't _want_ to remember how exactly he had convinced his student to sleep with him. How he forced her….. Sure, she was over eighteen, but she was still his student and he had used her for his own needs. He had felt extremely sick and dirty to the core at what he had done.

He left after she had just fallen asleep, taking her to her room. He couldn't face her. He had taken to avoid her at any cost. In class, he ignored her and if he felt her looking at him, he would turn and walk away,

But he couldn't continue like this, He hadn't slept ever since that incident and he barely ate at meals; people were starting to notice. Minerva had asked him at dinner if something had happened, and Pomona and Filius this morning. He was sure that he looked as horrible as he felt.

His thoughts consisted only of her. He kept thinking what should he do, what could he do to stop feeling so miserable, so guilty for what he had done? Should he quit his job? Should he give her a formal apology? Ought he go to Azkaban? Merlin knows how many time he had wanted to do all that he had considered, but something had stopped him each time.

Each night he had walked trough Hogwarts corridors, trying to forget about her, about everything. Tonight was no exception.

And yet, here she was, on the Astronomy tower, looking at the stars. He couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking. Did she think about their night together as much as he had? But that was stupid of him. She probably had cursed him to hell and back.

He should just turn around and leave, but he couldn't tear his eyes off of her, captivated by her beauty. Still, he couldn't risk her turning around and catching him like this, looking at her…..

So he put an expressionless face and said in an even tone

"Wandering, Miss Granger? I expected better from you."

He knew well that she was allowed to, being the head Girl and all, but he had said it anyway, hoping that he could make her hate him even more, make her say something awful to him just so he could end his hopes. He didn't want them to be crushed.

She turned around quickly, looking at him in the eyes. He could see the traces of her tears on her face and he felt more guilt at the thought that perhaps, it was his fault. She answered in a normal tone; no signs of distress, but her eyes betrayed her. They shone too brightly in the moonlight.

"I am not wandering. I am the Head Girl and I am allowed to patrol all night if the Head Boy chooses not too. And Anthony had to finish his assignment for Potions so I told him that I would patrol for him too."

He felt jealousy rise up in him at the casualty she said the other's name. He knew that he shouldn't feel this way, he had no right, and he knew that she was nothing more but a friend to the Ravenclaw, but he couldn't help it. He loved her so much that it hurt him to think, and yet, he refused to admit the truth to himself and to her. So he tried to push her away one last time before his resolve crumbled.

"Oh, the good Golden Girl of Gryffindor helps the poor Head Boy who couldn't do his job! How nice of you!" he said with a sneer.

He instantly regretted it, seeing the hurt in her eyes.

"Right". Was the only thing she said. He could see more tears building up in her eyes and he wanted nothing more than to reach her and apologize, but he didn't.

"If you have nothing else to say, professor, I'll continue my walk."

Seeing her leave, walking away from seemed to awaken something in him. He took a step towards her and said,

" You seem disturbed, Miss Granger. Has something happened?"

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" You seem disturbed, Miss Granger. Has something happened?"

She couldn't believe her ears. Was he really asking her what had happened? Did he really didn't know? Or he was just cruel and wanted to hurt her more? Without thinking she responded, saying,

"We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since. You left me in my room, like it never happened. You ignored me ever since . Every time I tried to talk to you, you would turn away and walk in the opposite direction like I never existed in the first place. Why?" And with those words, Hermione felt her resolve crumble. She crashed to the floor, sobbing and saying over and over "Why?"

He couldn't believe or either understand what she was saying. Did she really believe that the night they spent together was beautiful? Wasn't she disgusted by it? Horrified that she had lost her virginity to him? Who even now, when people knew where his loyalties lay feared him, doubted him, and more so, felt repulsed by his appearance?

Something snapped inside him. The sight of her on the floor crying made him pull away from his thoughts, and he was by her side in seconds, putting his arms around her and saying softly in her ear,

"I thought that you would be disgusted by it, sleeping with your old and ugly potions professor. I thought that you would hate me and I didn't want to see the repulse in your eyes, the hatred and that's why I avoided you. I am sorry. I didn't' want you to suffer. I didn't think you would. But you did and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Ever since that night, I couldn't stop thinking about you and I hoped that you thought too constantly thought about me, but I convinced myself that you were too disgusted to even... I couldn't face you, I'm sorry."

As she listened to him, she started to understand his actions. And when understanding dawned, she felt a touch of anger. How could he believe that she regretted their night together, when for her, it had been the most beautiful night of her life. He believed himself to be too old and ugly. He felt guilty for having such feelings towards her! That was utterly preposterous.

She loved him with all her heart. It didn't matter how he looked, how old he was, that he was her teacher, she loved him; consequences be damned! Not being able to contain herself anymore stood up from his arms and said,

" It doesn't matter for me! I never cared about it! I don't care about your age or that you are my professor! I don't regret that night and I never will! It takes two to do that, you know! I had wanted it! I had wanted it to happened for so long, longer than I can say. I thought that _you_ regretted it.

"You believed I was repulsed, disgusted. How could you even think those meaningless thoughts? I wanted to sleep with you! For me it was the most beautiful and wonderful night. I loved it!

"And I love you! I love you and I don't care about the consequences!"

She finished and slumped back in his arms.

He was stunned. He could barely think. 'She loved him!' He knew he had to say something, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat.

"I…", coughing up, he tried again. " I love you too. And I don't care about the consequences anymore. I love you."

His body was moving on his own accord; shifting to face her, his hands on her face to wipe her tears and pull her toward him, kissing her softly on the lips.

Hermione felt like her heart soared at his words. She couldn't believe what he had just said, he loved her too! She was surprised that he kissed her, but she returned it without a second thought, putting her arms around him.

The kiss was soft and sweet and they kept it that way, pouring in it all the hidden feelings and the unspoken words, pouring in their love.

After they broke apart, they remained in each other's arms, looking at the stars. They both knew that soon they would have to leave, but for now they were content to stay like this, enjoying the feeling of having person they loved close.

Neither of them could believe that barely an hour ago they were suffering from love and now, they could fly because of it.


End file.
